When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
You Might Also Like
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?
My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!