@mrjohntofu

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

@david8hughes

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

@ramblinma

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

@lisaxy424

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

@TwinSurvivalist

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

@JediGigi

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!