Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?