Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.