Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
*updates tinder bio*
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”