Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
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The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I finally found a reason to live again.