Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them