Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Not😆🤣
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”