@Fred_Delicious

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

You Might Also Like

@eleniZarro

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

@E_lok44

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

@DancesWithTamis

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

@living_marble

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

@CodeineFridge

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

@Eden_Eats

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

@gabbazaba

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)