Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Watson was Holmes schooled
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.