Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]


I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.


I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out


None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead


Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??


If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.


manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)