mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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I think my mom just blocked me
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
The three genders.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)