Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
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Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Introverted vegans go meetless
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Thank you corporation very cool
What a website
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.