Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.