Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
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*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming