Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.


I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent


Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine


Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.


When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.


Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED


My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.


“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.


Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.