@Savage_Scavange

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

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@1Happytwit

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

@HavocMantis

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

@CafeinatedBacon

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

@ilovepie84

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

@galiamango

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

@longwall26

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

@BradBroaddus

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@ShaunRightNow

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.