Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
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My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
😆this is so true
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Current mood: Potato
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.