Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Sending in my taxes
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
mmm onion ringos
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.