@GinAndJif “Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
@dmc1138 Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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@GinAndJif TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
@daemonic3 [candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
@legendofchelda Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
@AnkCoupleTO [speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
@davidiserson Why aren’t more people talking about this?
@Book_Krazy Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
@UncleDuke1969 “I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
@JohnHilsen The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
@GibJimson Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.