“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
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TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.