Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
You Might Also Like
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Who says great literature is dead?
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.