Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”



*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick


[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?


WIFE: Apple?


WIFE: Lavender?


ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents


Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie


[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*


Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday


“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine


Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.