Apparently, this is how the world ends.
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Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.