Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we鈥檙e doing something together
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn鈥檛 have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My kid yelled she couldn鈥檛 wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 馃檪
*later to thugs* They know too much.
billionaire: we鈥檙e all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Not today. 馃槄
Single and childfree like Jesus
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I鈥檓 white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage