Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Feels
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah