@MichaelTrying

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

You Might Also Like

@blade_funner

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.

@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@chelseaanet

The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.

@HatfieldAnne

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

@AllieGoertz

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

@ImSoFrancis

Astronaut: I never loved you

Me: how could you say that?

Astronaut: it’s the truth

Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum

@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

@mejustbeth

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.