Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
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Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?