Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house