Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
When ur friends with white people
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.