Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
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got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
How to woo a woman
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT