Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”