Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.