Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
don’t we all
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Phonetics
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.