Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

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some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe


Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.


I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone


I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.


Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?


[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.


Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”


I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.


Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why


[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.