Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.