Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
The Book. The Movie.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.