Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
why I oughta
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Never mess with a drunken pig.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.