Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: