Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.