Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

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All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried


Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.


so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it


I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”


Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra


Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.


A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.


I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.


If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.