@truegritrumble All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
@TheHyyyype Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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@truegritrumble 
@curlycomedy Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
@dadinabearsuit Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
@netw3rk so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
@MelvinofYork I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
@Token_Geezer Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
@HalliB Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
@VaguelyFunnyDan A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
@UnFitz I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
@0point5twins If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.