Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
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Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
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Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER