Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me too
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”