Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old