Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
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“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.