Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
You Might Also Like
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Did my cat write this
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.