@IceHuck Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
@justabloodygame *appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
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@IceHuck 
@DadandBuried I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
@panmidwest How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
@OllyiConic Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
@nerdgirlcomedy Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
@JustASmirk A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
@meganamram Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
@Cornjerker78 [crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
@ninjadinosaur1 My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
@decentbirthday cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that