*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
#CatsOnTwitter
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday