@OlanDevine

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@SvnSxty

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

@notalogin

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

@SCbchbum

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

@ddsmidt

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

@Marlebean

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

@3sunzzz

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

@ejt___

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

@heidi420x

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.