Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

[first date]

Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?

Her:

Me: Yeah, good choice.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors