Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder