Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us