APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.