APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
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Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
ok this is my dumbest yet
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.