Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
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So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Any refunds available?…