Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week