Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists