APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
