@TheFakeCNN
@mdob11 A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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@mdob11 
@Puncroaker My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
@TheDjinnTrials Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
@slender_sherbet “if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
@leeunkrich My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
@zachary_lampley Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
@Breadery When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
@johnroderick Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
@rhysjamesy Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
@CulturedRuffian Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.