@TheFakeCNN

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

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@mdob11

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

@Puncroaker

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

@TheDjinnTrials

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

@leeunkrich

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

@zachary_lampley

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

@Breadery

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

@johnroderick

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

@rhysjamesy

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

@CulturedRuffian

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.