Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.