Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh