[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
That’s incredible! 👌
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I only treason on days ending in y
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Weirdly Wednesday.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics