Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
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Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I feel seen
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???