Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
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every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]